pork medallions, where have you bean my whole life?!

(originally from march 28th 2011.)

pork medallions and secret beans.

i hate pork chops. okay, hate is a strong word. i dislike pork chops with a fiery passion that i can only call religious. however you want to phrase it - i don’t eat ‘em. 

so tonight while raking through my freezer, i find a package of pork medallions that have been there since god knows when and i say to myself “challenge accepted.” i’m not usually this 007, but i do get pretty serious in the kitchen. and develop an english accent. but that’s another story. 

now, the thing i hate about pork chops is how they remind me of shake-and-bake. while i do enjoy doing shaking and baking separately, the combination is not one of my favourite things. it takes a good piece of meat and makes it taste like a salty sea wench. 

i insist that you and everyone you know take up arms against shake-and-bake and join the ASBM.

ASBM: (the anti-shake-and-bake movement): (n) a revolution against over-salted breaded messes of food in which members create their own seasoning combinations and live all-around happier lives. 

since my pork medallions agreed to participate in the ABSM, i threw them in a pan with some garlic powder, onion powder, fresh thyme and rosemary, the juice of half a lemon and some shoelaces. just kidding. no lemon. just kidding. no shoelaces. get real. 

moving along to the secret beans. they deserve an award. and the novel that follows. 

you should be on your knees, thanking whichever deity you worship -jesus, buddah, mohammed, aretha franklin, whoever - that i have decided to share this recipe with you. these beans are my secret weapon and go-to side-dish for any/every meal. no, they won’t grow you a giant beanstalk, but they taste magical. 

these beans have been my entree, my dessert, my appetizer, my everything, since my sister first made them for me. she stumbled across them during her time at med school in the caribbean. but this isn’t about her - it’s about the beans. sorry, tina.

if i’m being perfectly honest, sometimes i go against the canada food guide’s recommendation of eating protein with every meal (sheer rebellion) and have the beans as a meal alone. not alone as in crying in a dark corner of my room listening to “all by myself”. alone as in, nothing but the beans. 

this is why i made them with the medallions. in case my hatred towards pork chops happened to extend to the medallion side of the family, the secret beans would have my back. 

please note: no disrespect intended to the pork family. i love what you guys have been doing with bacon, try and pass the message along to pork chops.

anyways. the recipe. 

…i don’t want to. 

put beans in a pan. 

good luck. 

okay, fine. boil and strain some fresh green beans. if they’re not fresh, don’t even bother, you fool go out and buy fresh beans. now. i promise you, it makes all the difference.

NEXT, put a bit of olive oil or pam in a pan. then add some sliced onions, garlic and some chili peppers. just add a little if you don’t like spicy, but don’t disregard them completely! how would you feel if they did that to you?

sautee anything that isn’t a bean at medium heat until the onions are translucent-ish then throw in the towel beans. toss them. like so:

you must do this at 6:41 or else the recipe will not work.

just kidding.

anyways, toss them. or if the good lord has failed to bless you as he has me with this ability - he can be a jerk like that sometimes, try writing a letter - just stir them. 

warning: tossing them may result in beans falling out of the pan. please do not try to save them if they are heading for the floor. especially not with your feet, theresa. this isn’t a soccer game. now look what you’ve done. 

once the beans start getting a few blackish burny spots (yes, that’s the technical term) turn the heat off and add the juice of a 1/4 of a lemon. toss. serve. match point. 

sometimes i add parmesan cheese to them at the end too, but that completely changes the taste - so don’t do so lightly. this is very serious business. i won’t have you hating the secret beans on my watch. 

note to self: get a watch. 

anyways, this was the result of tonight’s meandering:

i garnished it with some lemon zest and a few sprigs of thyme. just to keep things classy. while i eat at my computer desk covered in uottawa paraphernalia and other various kinds of debris. i hear the queen eats in similar surroundings - or was it hobos? i forget. 

moving along to the roommate review.

tonight, we had a very special guest: italian exchange student thereso. 

okay. i’ll let you in on a secret.

that’s me. or what i would look like if i never waxed had a mustache. as you can see, i eat with concentration. and with my closet door open. (yes, i do need that much hairspray.)

the reason i am acting as my own critic tonight is that i wanted to show that i am actually eating my own creations, not just feeding them to my lab ratsroommates and friends.

so, my thoughts? the pork medallions tasted like souvlaki, which is great. i really did like them, would eat them again and wouldn’t be prejudiced against them because of their relationship with pork chops. but the souvlaki taste made me want tzatziki. which made me think that i was missing something. because of that alone, i have to say 7/10 since that is what the review scale dictates. just being honest, pork - no offense. next time, there will be tzatziki and i will love you. 

and the beans? they’re always a 10+ for me. i put a little extra chili pepper in them tonight, which resulted in a small inferno in my mouth and a dash to the kitchen for some water. crisis averted. to be honest, they could set me ablaze and i’d still think they’re great. unconditional bean love. 

a final note: always have tzatziki on hand for just such emergencies and try the beans immediately at your earliest convenience. they are seven kinds of fantastic. if you don’t like them, you did something wrong. i vow to go to anyone’s home who makes them and doesn’t like them and i will cook them properly. or maybe i’ll just say you’re crazy.

well, that’s what’s cooking in rez tonight! 

thanks for reading :)