homemade chinese buffet. will you rice to the challenge?

(originally from june 3rd 2011.)

honey lemon chicken, beef broccoli, general tso chicken, fried rice and chow mein noodles. 

chinese food and i are in a relationship and it’s complicated.

let me explain. chinese food is a very fickle lover. this is because it is equally delicious and mysterious. i mean, does anyone really know exactly what’s in chinese food? i think not. because of this, i have given chinese food the following ultimatum: reveal your secrets or i’m taking the cat and moving out. chinese food did not respond (we also have communication issues - sigh), so on wednesday night i came to the conclusion that i had to take matters into my own hands. 

i opened my very own chinese buffet. okay, that might be a slight exaggeration. all i know is that i had enough oriental ingredients in my kitchen to feed a small country. 

this meant two things: i had spent far too much money at the grocery store again and i needed a great deal of help. 

luckily, i have a sister and a best friend who are easily-manipulatedsupportive. 

tanner began by chopping everything we’d need. what service! i can see why slavery was such a hit. too soon? sorry. 

then we got started on the first dish, a chinese take-out classic and my sister amanda’s favourite: beef broccoli. 

you start by mixing 2 cups of beef broth, 1/4 cup of flour, 1/4 cup of soy sauce and a few tablespoons of sugar. stir it well or you’ll get chunks. blah. 

next, brown some stir-fry beef in a medium heat pan with some salt and pepper. then you add the broth, like so: 

then you add a chopped clove of garlic and a 1/2 teaspoon of ginger. mix it, sir mixalot. next, add broc and all his friends. we used carrots, onions, celery and mushrooms. 

i added some baby corn after we took this picture (at amanda’s commandrequest) and then let it simmer (covered) until everything else was ready.

the next dish we made was a honey lemon chicken.

begin by cutting up some chicken. you can cube it, slice it, boil it, mash it, stick it in a stew, whatever. except don’t do the last three. 

throw this in a frying pan at medium heat with some pam until it’s all white, alright.

next, the sauce. to that frying pan, add the juice and zest of a lemon, 3 tablespoons of honey, 2 tablespoons of hoisin sauce, a clove of garlic, a 1/2 teaspoon of ginger, a tablespoon of cornstarch and 1/2 a tablespoon of sugar. let this thicken for a minute or two, then add some bell peppers and scallions. 

reduce heat and let simmer until the rest of the dishes are done. 2 down. 

the next dish was inspired by aji sai sushi. despite being a japanese restaurant, they could not resist the temptation that is the chinese dish of general tso’s chicken. it is a thing of beauty and should be worshiped on bended knee.

the magic begins by mixing a batter for your chicken. i made mine with a cup of cornstarch and 1/4 cup of soy sauce. the result is a very thick paste. you may need to tinker with the amount of soy sauce to be able to work with it. 

fun fact: mixing cornstarch with any liquid results in a material that is both liquid and solid. it is both capable of being rolled into a ball and oozing out of your hands. i remember being mystified by this as a science experiment in elementary school. aaaand now i’m eating it.

please note: eating the result of a childhood science experiment can be fatal. i do not encourage you to do so in any other circumstance. but i am sort of interested to know how the vinegar/baking soda experiment might turn out if eaten. someone try it and get back to me.

ANYWAYS, after the chicken is coated, set it aside. put 1/2 cup of sesame oil into a frying pan at medium high. when it’s hot, add the chicken and fry it. if it wasn’t impractical, i would do this while wearing an astronaut suit because flaming hot oil is drawn to my arms and face like a fat kid to cake. use the longest tongs you can find, pool cues are also acceptable. my hands were partially melted off when i snapped this picture. hence the blur. 

when the chicken is about half done, get started on the sauce.

you start by throwing some scallions in a pan and letting them sweat like a hooker in church. then you add 1/4 cup of vinegar, 1/2 cup of chicken broth, 1/2 cup of soy sauce, 1/4 cup of cornstarch dissolved in 1/2 cup of water, 1/2 cup of sugar, 1/3 cup of ketchup, 1/4 cup of oyster sauce, chili flakes and garlic powder. next, slice up some lemon and add it, peel and all. let this simmer for minute or so until it’s thick. 

then add the chicken and toss it until it’s all coated. top with sesame seeds. and guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl, you’re set. try not to eat it all while you get the last two components ready.

final component numero uno (ole!) is fried rice. start by boiling plain white rice as the package dictates. while this is cooking, throw some onions, carrots, peas, celery and 1/4 cup of soy sauce into a pan and sautee for a few minutes. you’ll want them to be finely chopped, i mean this as a size stipulation and a compliment to sous chef neron :)

next, add 2 beaten eggs into this mixture and toss until they’re cooked. 

when the rice is done, add it to the pan with a bit more soy sauce and mix. add a bit of oil or pam to help the rice crisp up. toss for 5 minutes. straight. don’t ever stop. you will have arms like AHNOLD after and thank me for it. no, but seriously, toss it frequently. or else. 

turn the heat down as low as it goes without turning it off and leave it on the stove until you’re ready to serve.

FINALLY, the last dish - chow mein noodles. you won’t need more than half a package, i made the mistake of cooking a whole one and will likely be eating noodles for the remainder of the summer. 

anywhom, boil the noodles in accordance with prophesy package directions and drain. 

in a frying pan at medium heat, sautee some scallions and bean sprouts in sesame oil until soft. move these to one side of the pan and add 2 more tablespoons of oil to the opposite side of the pan. then add the noodles. let these fry on the oil for a minute or so before mixing them with the bean sprouts, etc. 

have your sister toss them frequently while you photograph her. if you do not have a sister, mine has recently gone up for sale on kijiji for reasons that will be made clear when you read her review. 

if you want the noodles to be soft, take them out of the pan after a minute or two. if you want them crispaaaay, add some more oil, turn up the heat a bit and cook until you are satisfied. if you can’t get no satisfaction, you could try sears. 

in a bowl, mix 1/4 cup of soy sauce, 1/4 cup hoisin sauce, 1/4 cup oyster sauce, a few squirts of plum sauce and a bit of water. add this mixture to the noodles and toss. 

AND THAT’S IT. set up buffet style and let your starving family finally eat, since they’ve been salivating since you started cooking 3 hours ago :)

the reviews:

lizard liked the lemon chicken the best and remarked that it was “lovely and citrusy” and that the combination of lemon and bell peppers worked perfectly. 

amanda loved the beef broccoli, especially the baby corns, calling them “very excellent.” i think it would have been better with some sesame seeds or almonds added to it, but that’s just me. 

christina liked the plain white rice. she is not a huge fan of chinese food, which she proclaimed after her first bite. she will suffer accordingly.

the fried rice was tanner’s favourite. and although he was too exhausted from his kitchen duties to comment, liz exclaimed in perfect chinese imitation that it was “velly dericious.” my mother, the racist. 

the general tso’s chicken was enjoyed by all - there were no leftovers. it was close to aji sai’s, but no cigarellos. nonetheless, it was fantastic. out of all the dishes from that night, this is the one i can see making frequent appearances at the cesareo dinner table. frank is eagerly awaiting its next visit. 

the noodles were good too, but if i were to make them again, i’d leave the soy sauce/hoisin/oyster sauce on the side and fry them longer since our’s came out soft. this is my preference, you are not required to conform to it, this is not communist russia. this. is. SPARTA.

overall, everyone enjoyed it so it was well worth the - what? 3 hours? sweet laaawd. 

note to self: make one dish per night to avoid loss of sanity. 

in conclusion, i think it is safe to say that chinese food and i are now in a healthy relationship and are being more open with each other. as long as it doesn’t find out about my affair with latin food, we should live happily ever after.

thanks for reading :)