♫you are the only crustacean♫

(please sing the title to the tune of paramore's 'you are the only exception')

happy (day after) valentine's day, hungry readers!

i hope you all had a lovely love day!

if you spent it with a significant other fuck you, great! if you spent it with buddies (like such as me) great! if you spent it alone i hope you're still alive, great!

i jest. the truth is, i don't much care to spend valentine's day alone or boyfriendless. the main reason behind this is because i like me.

so rather than spending the night crying into a tub of ice cream, listening to All By Myself, i have decided to make the best of valentine's day the only way i know how: with food. and friends.

friends meaning that i invited my friend biz over and spent time with my roomates. but also, friends meaning the gang that hangs out at central perk.

if you've seen this show, which i assume you have, (because if not kill yourself you're nuts, bro) you may recall a little philosophy laid out by one phoebe buffay about lobsters. she explains that lobsters mate for life and that you will often find them in their tank holding claws.

later in the episode, she goes on to say that ross and rachel are each others' lobsters.

i rewatched this episode a few weeks ago and realized that this was the most beautiful and wise thing i had ever heard. also, i realized that i wanted to eat lobster asap. and obviously romance+cravings= valentine's day blog post.

so, i present you with:

phoebe's lobster, fine-by-myself filet mignon, 

mended achey-breaky-heart potatoes and not alone scones 

like i said, i've had my mind set on valentine's day lobster for some time now. as such, i planned the menu above completely around it. i wrote a grocery list 3 days in advance. i waited until the last minute to head to loblaws (because the all-knowing internets have informed me it's best to serve lobster right after you buy it). i went to the grocery store and gathered all of my side-dish ingredients first. then i made my way to the fish counter. only to find this:

naturally, i had a mental breakdown during which i flipped my cart over, attempted to throttle the fish department employee and screamed obscenities in 47 languages. none of this is true. i'm a pretty emotionally stable person, so my mental breakdown was internal. my silent rage and blank stare may have made the fish clerk visibly uncomfortable, though. 

so rather than throwing my hands up (in the air sometimes, saying aaaaaaaaaaay-oh, what a bad daaaay-oh!) and quitting on lobster, i paid for what was in my cart and headed over to metro. 

alas, metro was in cahoots with loblaws to shatter my hopes and dreams and decided when it was built many years ago to not include a lobster tank. so after accepting that my dream of singing Endless Love while making two live lobsters (which i would have named ross and rachel) hold claws was not in the cards, i bought some frozen lobster claws. and ran home to start cooking. 

the first thing i did was set up the potatoes to roast. but before i put them in the oven, i did this:

if you didn't "awwwwww," please take the time to do so now. i'll wait. 

okay, good. so i cut my potatoes into slices and made them into hearts.

side note: that cookie cutter was originally a circle, marvel at my skill. 

after they were all cut, i sprinkled them with sally, pepperann, garlic and paprika (to make them red!!!) and stuck them in the oven for an hour at 400. 

next, i got started on the scones. now, my original plan was to make red lobster's famous cheddar bay biscuits, but loblaws screwed me again (not in a good way - forever alone) and decided to not carry a biscuit mix. 

SO, i says to myself, i says, scones it is! i just picked up a basic PC pre-made mix and made them according to the directions on the box. but since that is suuuuper boring, i added 1/2 a teaspoon of garlic powder, a cup of shredded cheddaaaah and 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped chives. then i made them into wee sconey shapes like so:

these only take 15 minutes to cook and i wanted them to be warm when i served them, so i stuck them in the fridge until i was ready for them emotionally. 

next, i started on the filet mignon. since i unfortunately live in the french-dominated capital of this country, i reject the correct pronunciation and insist on saying "phill-ette migg-non" - you have to do this too. i'm the boss. 

i fried up some bacon and fed it to the scavengers who seem to appear in my kitchen each time i cook for the blog. then, i dumped out the grease (because i just wanted the bacon flavour on the pan) and deglazed the pan with a bit of white wine that my roommate happened to be drinking. 

please note: i did not take the wine directly from her mouth. this time. 

then i panfried my steaks at medium-low. when the outside was cooked, i took them out of the pan, wrapped a strip of bacon around them and put them back in the pan. it was beautiful. 

please excuse the blurriness. i was shivering with anticip......................................ation. 

when the bacon is cooked, u guud 2 go bb. 

FINALLY, the lobster. now, since i had my heart and soul set on live lobsters, all i had for preparation was a pot of boiling water. but rather than ruining my lobster in that or, god forbid, putting it in the microwave of blasphemy, i put on my thinking cap. except that i do not have a thinking cap. or any caps. buy me a hat.

the internets told me that you could steam frozen lobster, but since i am le stupid, i do not have a steaming receptacle. I DID, however, have a metal strainer and an orphaned pot-lid to a pot that i don't even believe ever really existed. so, i made like mah budz thomas edison and got inventive. 

okay, i'll say it. sweet baby j, i'm a genius! also, that element is not actually hot pink. there's some sort of photographical witchcraft afoot here.

i brought some water to a rolling boil underneath the lobster and dat shit got cookin' and was done in 5 flat. 

and that was that! romantic dinner for singletons, served!

i provided some lemon garlic butter on the side to accompany this fine feast/win popularity contests. 

the meal proved challenging for some (who shall remain nameless but will be shown in photos) and scissors were required to gain VIP access to the lobster meat. we had guest list tho, bb - no worriezz.

before consuming my portion, i made sure i sort of fulfilled my dream of lobsters holding claws. though they were much more dead and dismembered than i had imagined. 

nonetheless, phoebe would have been pleased. 

dinner was then followed by chocolate covered orgasms strawberries. 

each of my guests then fell in love with me and valentine's day was saved. the end. 

just kidding. for serioussssss though, chocolate covered strawberries are the way into a girl's pants heart. that or traditional courtship, honesty and communication. unless the girl is me. then just strawberries. 

ANYWAYS, the meal was a hit. elizabizzzzz and the roommates enjoyed it a great deal. and so did i. there were absolutely no leftovers besides scones, but there were an army of them. and one does not simply eat an army of scones, boromir. 

after din, we had some nice hangzzz, watched some medieval porn Game of Thrones and valentine's day was complete. a great success, if i do say so. okay, there were a few times i found myself IN A PINCH (awkward lobster pun, check!) but there was zero sadness, good food and cool buddies. so i say valentine's success and as you may have read, i AM the boss.

see, hungry readers? valentine's day isn't just for couples and it doesn't have to be a pity party either. in fact, while i have a fierce love for alliterations, pity parties and crying over first-world problems drives me bonkers. so what? i'm single and i cooked myself a romantic lobster dinner on february 14th! things can always be worse - i could have been the lobster!

thanks for reading! :)